A Comedy in Two Acts
Jeremy Carrad
5 male, 6 female The action of the play revolves around a village choir. This can be drawn from the players or, alternatively, an existing choir can be used augmented by the players miming.
Running time: approx 2 hours.
There are a number of sets but the play works well with the minimum of set dressing and the cast bringing on the necessary props. Video can be used most effectively for some of the scenes. A videotape of a live production is available for viewing free of charge.
Neville Chamberlain Smith - Farm Labourer
Rev Hubert Herald - Vicar
Miss Rebecca Chant - Music teacher
Fred Blunt - Publican and Captain of Bell Ringers
Jane Blunt - Village Shopkeeper and Chair, Sports and Social
Committee
Dan Roberts - Insurance Agent (doubles as Chair of Judges)
Harriet Drew - Postmistress
Blodwyn Ley - Runs the Village Massage Parlour
Doreen Plant - Chair of WI (doubles as Judge)
PC Claude Creasy - Village bobby (doubles as Announcer)
Ethel Charmaine Creasy - Secretary, Sport & Social Committee
(doubles as Judge)
It is undoubtedly a comedy, and the humour comes as much from the characters who, as in pantomime, are accepted caricatures, as is the story itself. The story starts with a flourish. PIEDOWN IZZARD is entered in the VILLAGE CHOIR OF THE YEAR COMPETITION and we start the action at the Regional Finals where, despite the efforts of the chairman of the judges, it wins. Obviously there is much rejoicing. Here in the first scene we come upon Neville Chamberlain Smith (Nev) who is, to put it kindly, a simpleton, an itinerant farm labourer and anything else that's going. He was born when 'you've guessed who' was Prime Minister and his mother saw, at the age of one hour, the necessary qualities in him. Alas... Nev stays all too close to us throughout the play. His fellow villagers are tolerant of him in varying degrees, as we shall see. After the rejoicing at the Regional win the drama starts. The choir returns to the village hall to join its friends in various forms of celebration. That night the hall is burnt to the ground and the villagers meet to discuss what is to be done. First they need to find out how it happened and five clear reasons - each blaming a different person - emerge. The insurance company sends its man to investigate and the result is very unexpected. So much so that alternative methods of finance have to be found if the hall is to be rebuilt. An added incentive is that the village has won the draw of all the regional winners to stage the NATIONAL choir competition - but only if they have a venue. During the discussions they find a tin box in the wreckage of the hall. Amongst the contents is a scrap of paper on which is a poem suggesting that great wealth awaits the finder of a golden statue which is hidden "in quires and places where they sing". Off they go, to hunt - or rather find - the statue. The church is an obvious starting point, and then there's the pub. Nev wants the village loos searched; he says everyone sings there "to keep the noise down." But, despite all their efforts, no golden statue... So, money has to be raised. Two major contributions would come from the village rugger club if they could win the Village Cup competition, and the Ladies' Choir Challenge Cup. But everything goes wrong. The play explains to the audience why the rugger team and the Ladies' Choir are disqualified. So, one day to go before rebuilding must commence, precisely £1,437.83 has been raised! All seems to be lost until, of course, the last scene: the Bell Ringing competition with - horror of horrors - Nev standing in - so anything might happen - and does! He disappears with his rope into the roof! The play ends with the final of the NATIONAL VILLAGE CHOIR COMPETITION in the new village hall. What will happen? Who will win? Ah... |
...it covers every type of humour from double-entendre to slapstick... ...Video footage was cleverly used to broaden the action... |
| Hidden
Wealth |
Price £60.00+P&P per performance |
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(Act One Scene Three Piedown Izzard Village
Hall
The following day, Sunday, at noon.
The tabs open on a typical village hall. Timber lined and
fairly scruffy, it's painted in dull creams and greens. The
elderly curtains on the platform are open. The blackboard
tells the choir to assemble for the coach at 5pm. There is
the crash of a dustbin lid and JANE and DOREEN come rushing
in through the main door, stage L. They put plates of food
on the table, hang up their coats and exit into the kitchen.)
Narration (BECKY,
pre-recorded)
Hello. Thank you for coming. I'm Becky Chant and I teach music
to some of my fellow villagers here in Piedown Izzard. That
makes me the Choirmistress of our village choir and this is
the story of our attempt to win the National Village Choir
Competition. What an achievement that would be for such a
small community. Still, we're off to a wonderful start. Regional
winners!
All plain sailing now? Not a bit of it. There's some very rough weather ahead - as you shall see. So let's join the choir back in their own hall the next day.
(JANE and DOREEN re-enter. During this dialogue they lay the table and bring in food and jugs of squash)
Jane I can't believe it. We won. What a triumph. (she cleans the blackboard)
Doreen (getting hip-flask from bag) Calls for a snifter. (goes to drink, then offers it to JANE) Jane?
Jane Just a sip to celebrate. (drains flask) I don't agree with drinking and driving.
Doreen (holds flask upside down) So I see. I'm sorry I gave you a lift here now. If you'd been driving I might have had some left.
Jane Well, this is a celebration. Becky was right to insist we all brought some food - even though we all thought we'd never win.
Doreen I thought we'd win. Provided we could confuse the Judges. What a bunch. Wouldn't have them in my platoon. (They are laying the table)
Jane Oh Doreen, really, You always call us W.I. girls your platoon. We're not an army.
Doreen If Hitler had landed in 1940 he would soon have seen that we were, I can tell you.
Jane I wasn't in the W.I. in 1940.
Doreen (freezes majestically) Neither was I. But my platoon you jolly well are and if those Europeans land and try to occupy us, we, the P.I.W.I. will send them packing. exits to kitchen
Jane (aside) I can't see anyone occupying you, Doreen. I wish we'd used your car last night. The coach trip with Nev in his wet trousers was too awful.
Doreen My husband's trousers, you mean. He'll be furious. His D.J. was his pride and joy - even though he only wore it once a year on our night out.
Jane Why on earth did he lend it, then?
Doreen He didn't. I did. It was that or no Nev in the basses and you know how we need him. Muck and music seem to go together in his case. (pauses) Jane, I'm really sorry about the way Blodwyn behaves with your Fred. It's time she had a husband.
Jane She already has - mine! (crashes out to the kitchen)
Doreen (shaking head) Husbands! More trouble than they're worth. Which reminds me, Jim's trousers. I know, I'll wash them here and dry them on the boiler. I can collect them tomorrow. He'll never know. (very satisfied, she quickly puts the trousers on the fireguard by the stove and exits to kitchen)
(The sound of great merrymaking. A crashing of the same dustbin. The door is flung open and FRED, BLODWYN and HARRIET enter)
Fred (Arm around BLODWYN'S shoulders) Sound the trumpet, bang the drum. We're the champions, here we come! (cheers)
Blodwyn Make my bed and light the light -I know who I'lI massage tonight. (only FRED cheers. JANE re-enters and takes FRED off BLODWYN's arm)
Jane Lay one finger on my Fred - I'll make you wish that you were dead. (she pushes through them and goes to the table and sits)
Doreen (comes from kitchen with a piled high plate) Who's for some crumpet? (she sits at the table)
(FRED and BLODWYN sit at the top corner of the table. HARRIET calms JANE. They sit at the bottom corner. There is a crash of the dustbin lid and the VICAR falls in through the main door)
Vicar (lisping) I theem to have tumbled into the dustbin. I didn't thee the light.
Fred That's quite an admission for a vicar. (general laughter)
Jane I told Nev to change the bulb. Where is he by the way?
Harriet He's gone to change his trousers thank the Lord.
Vicar Amen to that. (HARRIET offers plate to him) No thank you, I'm not a crumpet parthon-perthon.
Doreen What's happened to your speech, Vicar? You seem muffled.
Fred (wolfing muffins etc. It's an aside) He usually is.
Vicar It's my top thet. I lotht them when I fell over the duthbin. Hath anyone got a torch? (There's another crash of the dustbin. The door opens and in comes NEV holding a set of dentures. He never sits at the table but wanders around picking food from it)
Nev I've just...
Harriet I know, fallen over the dustbin.
Nev Thas' funny, so did I. You oughta be more careful. I think there was a body. All that's left is his teeth. (holds them up)
Vicar Praith the Lord. (takes teeth and puts them in) Ah, that's better. I feel a whole person again. (he sits at table)
Fred Good heavens, do you often feel whole persons, parson?
Nev I tried them, see, but I couldn't make them fit.
Vicar (confused) What, people?
Nev No, your teeth. Your mouth's smaller than mine. (The Vicar, appalled, pulls them out and rushes to the kitchen choking)
Blodwyn (getting up) Nev, you're revolting. (points to table) Grab something before it's too late.
Nev (He grabs BLODWYN) Thanks Blod. Just what I need at the end of a long day.
(general confusion)
(BLODWYN, DOREEN, HARRIET and ETHEL come in, fearfully, plus DAN)
Vicar Ladies, please, you're not allowed in here. It's a male changing area.
Nev Yes, it's men's privates...
Dan All the male supporters are in a pub in town. These are the best that's available. In rugger kit they won't know the difference. It's this lot or no final, I'm afraid.
Ethel We only came because Dan said we could help win £600 for the new Village Hall.
Doreen And £350 even if we lose.
Harriet So here we are. Lambs to the slaughter.
Blodwyn Giving our bodies in the cause of...
Ethel Well, not quite that, Blodwyn. What do we have to do?
Vicar This cannot be. I can have no part in deceit.
Harriet (angrily) Then don't, vicar. Do you think this is any fun for us?
Blodwyn Well it could be...
Harriet Shut up, Blodwyn. It's grotesque. Of course it is. But it's for the new hall and I'll give almost anything to see it rebuilt. (everyone applauds except anguished VICAR)
Blodwyn And I'll give absolutely anything...
Fred Yes, thank you Blodwyn. We'll talk about that later. In the meantime, Hubert, there's ten minutes to go. If you must, you must let your conscience lead us to disqualification and no money for the Hall. You must decide. (VICAR wrings his hands and walks up and down. They follow him with their eyes)
Vicar (anguished) I think the Lord would forgive us - but - in person. All of the team and their wives at the service on Sunday. Your penance is a long sermon from me and big notes in the collection.
Nev Right, we capit.....er, cap.....er, give in. Let's all go to the pub. The games off.
Fred Shut up, Nev. Hubert, you're on. Girls, get changed. Here's the gear. Claude, get some mud. There's plenty out there. Go out through the showers and you won't be seen. (CLAUDE exits through up-stage door. They all stand looking at each other)
Doreen Not in front of you lot. We're exposing ourselves enough as it is...
Vicar Quite right. Here's a first aid blanket. We'll make a screen of it.
(He hands an end to Nev. They screen off upper stage left with the girls behind it. VICAR looks out, NEV looks in. A lot of action as they turn NEV round. When the girls speak they pull down the top of the blanket and peer over it. During this sequence CLAUD reappears through up-stage door. He is now behind the blanket but the girls don't see him)
Harriet Jane would be better at this. She's the runner. I'm sure I saw her in the crowd.
Ethel (Holding up shin guards) What are these?
Dan Shin guards. But that needn't stop you kicking theirs.
Blodwyn Their what?
Dan Shins, of course.
Harriet (holds up bottle) Horse liniment!
Dan Marvellous for toning the skin. Rub some in.
Nev I'll help if you like.
Blodwyn No, I don't like, thank you, Nev. I'm the rubber in this village, remember?
Harriet How do I get into this lot? (she holds up a jock strap)
Vicar (grabs it) You don't. Quite unnecessary.
Doreen Right, we're done. Let's get out there and at 'em. (The blanket is put away. The girls stand sheepishly in their kit.)
Claude (comes down stage) Most arresting! (The girls are surprised and shocked - a squeal or two)
Fred Still five minutes. Let's show you what you have to do. Let me see, what positions are we missing? Hooker - that's you, Blodwyn.
Blodwyn How dare you, Fred. After all we've been through together. Anyway, they're only vicious rumours.
Fred No dear. Hooker in the scrum. It's a rugger position.
Harriet There you are Blodwyn. Another position to learn.
Fred Thank you Harriet. We need you second row with Ethel. Doreen, you're on the wing.
(They form a scrum in the Area amidst much chaos and giggling – and squeals. They use a bench as the opposing front row and get into position. This can be played for as long as you like. DAN and CLAUDE grab BLODWYN between them. ETHEL and HARRIET try to put their heads between DAN and CLAUDE's legs but are put right by FRED. NEV is behind and between ETHEL and HARRIET. FRED acts as scrum half. The VICAR looks on disapprovingly By-play, developed in rehearsal, can make it a hilarious sequence - until there's a knock on the dressing room door)
Voice Off Come on, Piedown. Let's have you.
Fred Right everyone. Good luck. (to the girls) Put these on to hide your hair. (gives them scrum caps) Claude, the mud. This'll disguise you. (the girls put mud on their faces, legs and arms. BOLDWYN dabs it on as though it's face cream).