A Comedy in Three Acts
Jeremy Carrad
7 male, 6 female (five of the men and one of the women will need to be – or be made-up to be – fifties-plus.)
Running time: approx 2 hours.
One set: Sitting Room in residential home.
|
The Residents |
The Staff Visitors |
The relative tranquillity of their lives is shattered by the arrival of a newspaper reporter investigating a story, put out by the inhabitants of a town in northern France, of an atrocity allegedly committed by one of the residents on French civilians when he was a young army officer in the last war. The combined dramas of coping with Sister's excesses and hiding a psychologically scarred elderly Major likely to be universally branded as a war criminal are threatening to overwhelm the old men, when their confusion is added to by the arrival of a new resident who to their horror turns out to be a woman; a retired Brigadier in the Women's Royal Army Corps. Needless to say she takes command as they search for a way to prevent the story reaching the media and their friend from facing a War Crimes trial. To achieve this, they form an unlikely alliance with a new maid, a highly eccentric character known universally as "Crumb". Whilst the team attempts to stem the threat of media exposure and the subsequent trial as a war criminal of one of their least offensive fellow residents, he, being a careless pipe smoker, adds to the chaos by frequently setting fire to a range of people and places with whom he comes into contact! Eventually the owner of Oldthorpe House descends. The beleaguered resident is given his marching orders, but is saved by a cunning plot devised by the lady Brigadier and the cheery nurse. The alleged atrocity story reaches apparent melt-down when the media broadcasts it to the world but salvation comes, in the nick of time, from a most unlikely source. |
...the old soldiers are realistic to a 'T'... ...A hilarious story with a serious twist... |
| Team
Spirit |
Price £60.00+P&P per performance |
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(Having had supper, Captain Clarence Cuthbert pushing his zimmer, and Freddy Forbes and Brigadier Ainsley Benniniton wander into the sitting room.)
Freddy (ushering in Clarence) Make way for Stirling Moss.
Clarence (he still has a table napkin tucked into his collar. He sits up-stage) You youngsters. Always complaining. I like the grub. Always have. Like school meals. Plain, simple.
Ainsley Watery, tasteless. God Cuthbert, you must have had a ghastly meal or two in your time. You're old enough to have been at school with Tom Brown.
Clarence I don't remember him Brigadier. I remember a Dick Brown. Snotty little cove. Never changed his underwear. Filthy habits. Went on to become a Cabinet Minister.
Ainsley It follows.
(he brings a piece of bush shaped like a peacock's tail from his top pocket and puts it on the centre of the mantlepiece. Freddy ducking and diving, switches the fire on. Lisa enters with pills for Clarence. Sister turns from the bookcase. She is riffling through a book)
Sister Right, here it is. (she reads) "Physical Education is beneficial to all ranks at all ages. It circulates the blood..."
Freddy (mutters) I'd like to circulate her blood...
Sister Strengthens the heart and body muscles and it stimulates...
Ainsley Oh yes?
Sister Stop it Brigadier. It doesn't do for you to get excited.
Freddy He wouldn't know if he was...
Clarence Where is all this twaddle getting us? I never could stand senseless chatter. I used to say to my signallers "wasted words cost battles".
Freddy Remarkable what you can say with a couple of flags...
Clarence (aroused, he tries to rise. Lisa helps him back onto the chair) Flags? Flags? Wireless telegraphy, that's what it was. We were dit-dotting when you airforce types were still flying box-kites.
Lisa Oh stop it you two. Let's have a peaceful few minutes before bedtime. Who'd like the telly on?
Sister (firmly) No-one Lisa. Television doesn't feature in my new regime. Bad for the digestion. (she switches off the fire) All that splendid food inside you. What would you rather it did? Sit like a lead weight in your tummies while you slouch in front of the box or pass effortlessly through your bodies?
Ainsley Oh God, she's going to give us potty training.
Sister Don't be vulgar Brigadier. I'm talking about exercise. (waves book) Physical Education according to this splendid book "Games and Sports in the Army". Get them all up Lisa, in a straight line. (amidst much protest the three of them are lined up. She goes extreme SR front, looking along the line) Now, follow me. You too Lisa. You show them.
(reluctantly Lisa joins the end of the line helping Clarence. Sister leads them through a series of exercises which they all copy slowly and wrongly and out of time. It is chaos. Onto this scene come Basil and "Tubes" who are amazed and highly amused)
Sister Come along you two. Let's get the digestion working.
Tubes Oh believe me Sister it already is. The one thing about the food here, it doesn't hang around for any length of time. (they join in equally chaotically)
Sister Right everyone, rest. (They flop into armchairs. Sister consults the book) "Unarmed combat. To build muscles and tone the figure" (they all make their way to the door)
Basil Early night I think. Goodnight Sister. (exits)
Freddy Is that the time? Goodnight all. (exits)
Tubes Time to batten down the hatches. (exits)
Lisa Come on Captain Cuthbert. I'll tuck you up. (she and Clarence exit)
Ainsley Just you and me left eh Sister? (strokes his moustache and gets up) What was that about unarmed combat?
Sister (looks up from book) What? Goodnight Brigadier. (quickly exits)
(The Brigadier follows her out - at the
trot!
Curtain.)
Lesley No dialling tone. (impatiently) Come on.
(She jabs the cradle and bangs it up and down trying to clear the line. This causes the phone in the hallway to tinkle. We see Basil come to the phone stretching and yawning. He is in his carpet slippers and has obviously just woken and come down stairs. He picks up the phone.)
Basil Hello.
Lesley Ah. (holds phone away, surprised. She stands up facing the french windows) I haven't dialled yet. (into phone) Who's that?
Basil Reardon here. Basil. Major. Royal Artillery. Retired.
Lesley Good Lord. (sarcastically) How good of you to phone in at last. Everyone here is very worried. Where are you?
Basil (looks around) At home. Who is this?
Lesley Never mind me. Which home? Your sister's or your daughter's.
Basil (confused) Sister's I suppose. She rules the roost here.
(Phyllis comes in and stands watching them both)
Lesley Well she might have 'phoned us and saved us a lot of trouble and worry.
Basil I'm the one with trouble and worry. I still don't know who you are. Are you a woman?
(Phyllis giggles)
Lesley (exasperated) Why does everybody ask me such a daft question? Of course I'm a woman.
Basil (hand over mouthpiece) Obviously another bossy one. (into phone) Well then madam, what is it you want of me?
Lesley You must come home immediately. Sister is distraught. She's already got too much on her plate and she needs you here, now. Instanta.
Basil The poor soul. My sister has these turns. I'll come straight away. (looks at watch) Good Lord is that the time? I'll come first thing tomorrow. I'll be in Bexley by eleven hundred hours almost precisely.
Lesley Bexley? (she shakes the phone) Hello. Hello.
(Basil has put the phone down. He wanders into the room shaking his head. Lesley has also put the phone down and she, too, is shaking her head)
Basil Ah, hello. Two new maids now. That should make things easier. (to Phyllis) Make me a cup of tea there's a dear. Just time before supper. (Phyllis exits. He sits C, to Lesley) Would you nip up and straighten my room. It looks rather as if a cyclone has hit it. (dropping into armchair) But then it usually does.
Lesley (testily) Let's get two things absolutely straight. I am not a maid, and you are - who?
Basil (leaps up over SL towards her) Not a maid? My dear I'm so very sorry. How appalling. Terrible blunder. Breach-block jammed and a round up the spout. Worst situation. Whom do I have the honour of addressing?
Lesley (grandly) Brigadier Lesley Bristowe. Commander of the British Empire.
Basil (Basil goes to the door and looks around) Where?
Lesley Oh don't you start. I am she.
Basil (back to her) Good God. (pumps her hand) Delighted to meet you. Are you staying long?
Lesley It's beginning to be a terrible thought but, I suppose, as long as it takes the Maker to call me.
Basil (confused) Maker of what?
Lesley Just answer one question - simply and calmly and with due thought. WHO ARE YOU?
Basil What? Oh me. (Pulls himself to attention) Reardon. Basil. Major. Royal Artillery. Retired.
(Lesley collapses into chair E. Phyllis comes in with tea for Basil)
Lesley (weakly) You can't be. I've just been talking to him on the phone.
Basil (remembers) I've just had a call from some fussy old lady about my sister. Probably a neighbour. She's having another of her turns. It evidently makes her overeat. Full plates, you know. I'm off to see her tomorrow morning. It cheers her up just to see me.
Lesley (wryly) You amaze me...