A Comedy in Three Acts
Jeremy Carrad
6 male, 7 female (some doubling is possible)
Running time: approx 2 hours.
One set: Dining room in country house. Old antique-style furniture.
| The Loveridge Family Also |
The Protestors The Authorities |
 The action takes place in the dining room of a substantial, detached, house owned by the Loveridge family, set in two acres of garden, a mile outside a small village in rural Kent. Richard and Anthea are in their sixties and their daughters, Amanda (the older) and Alice, in their thirties. Their housekeeper, the fiery Mrs Humphreys (known as Mrs H) spends most of the play in the kitchen which is connected through to the dining room by a large serving hatch. Tom Hastings QC is a leading barrister who, early in the play, becomes Amanda's fiancé. Granny Croxley, Anthea's mother, with faulty hearing aid and Stirling Moss tendencies in her wheelchair is another main character. French windows lead from the room into the garden at the far end of which is a wooded copse. The story revolves around the building of the High Speed Rail Link between London and the Channel Tunnel. The final, agreed route passes straight through the house and its adjacent wood. To satisfy the conditions of a Will, drawn up when the house was built one hundred years ago, it's imperative that the house is still standing and occupied at the end of the current year, otherwise the family will face financial ruin. If the contractors building the new railway line have their way the house will be demolished now. The Loveridge family devise a number of schemes to delay the line and these are triggered one by one during the play. At the same time 'The National Protest Army', a band of full-time protesters, occupy the wood and put their command post in the old tree-house at the foot of the garden. 'Red' Zachary and his partner 'Amber' Nectar live up there and become close allies of the Loveridges. Police Constable Ivan Roberts, young and new to the job, pops up regularly. Try as he might he manages to get most things wrong and suffers accordingly. Onto the scene come Julian Fotheringay of the Ministry of Transport and his assistant Violet Rumbridge. They are firm in insisting that the family moves out now or faces eviction by force. Lurking in the background is local councillor and businessman Albert Drummond. He suffers the fate of all unwanted guests of finding when he leaves that his car has no wheels! The 'Protest Army' has been at work. The 'Army' faces it fiercest test when they are attacked at night and cleared from the wood but it doesn't take long for them, assisted by the Loveridge family, to be firmly back in occupation. All through the play Tom Hastings QC has been working to save the house from demolition before the end of the year, and it ends with a final, thorough trouncing of those who would have it otherwise. |
...Mr Carrad's latest offering is peopled with a host of interesting characters. ...An excellent play... ...A polished comedy... |
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Price £60.00+P&P per performance |
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This extract is taken from the very beginning of the play.
(Act One : Scene One: An April Sunday
Morning in the Year 2001
The dining-room table is set for breakfast. Cereals are laid
out on the sideboard. The french windows are open with Richard
standing in view but just outside them. Tom is at the sideboard
filling a bowl with cereals The kitchen hatch is flung open.
The shock makes him spill some cereals.)
Mrs H (from the kitchen. Head only in view. Loudly) Toast! (she puts toast in two racks on the ledge and slams the hatch shut)
(Amanda comes in)
Amanda Up early Father. What a wonderful morning.
(she puts the toast on the table Sits at chair C, motions Tom to chair B. There is a violent explosion as two barrels of a shot-gun are fired in quick succession. Tom spills lots more cereal)
Richard (rebounding backwards into the room with the smoking shotgun) Damned rooks. Frightening away the other birds.
Amanda (brushing cereal under the sideboard with her foot) Unlike your shotgun, father, which doubtless attracts all the other birds. (voice mimics) "Here Fred, let's fly round to the Loveridge house. There's a madman with a gun. We could play dodge-the-shot!"
Richard (moving SL to chair E) Amanda, go and get your mother from the sitting-room. I want to start breakfast. She's having an early go at the spirits.
Tom (About to eat a slice of toast - but Amanda stops him as she leaves) Anthea enjoys an early morning tipple does she? Good for her.
Richard (frostily) Occult. She's into the occult. Tipple indeed. (He lifts the newspaper - then lowers it again) Have I met you?
Tom (Amanda, re-entering, stops him from eating) We met last night, sir. I'm your future son-in-law.
Richard (choking on his coffee) Good God. You were bald last night.
Amanda No Daddy, he wasn't. He was as hairy as ever, bless him.
(Mrs Loveridge - Anthea - sweeps in. She's dressed in swirling chiffon and many coloured scarves - and jewellery)
Richard Well, I was talking to some bald person about the foolishness of marriage - and every other church service for that matter. He looked like you.
Anthea (calmly) That was the vicar dear. Why you have to wind him up when he calls - I can't imagine. He always gets his own back by lengthening his sermons.
Amanda (sitting at chair D) It doesn't worry father. He snores through them anyway.
Anthea Shall we start? Alice will have to join us later.
(they all stand. Amanda pulls Tom up. They bow their heads)
All in unison (less Tom) "Croxley Bitters"
Amanda (nudging Tom. Whispering) Say it or it's bad luck.
Tom (embarrassed) "Croxley Bitters"
(they sit and start to eat)
Tom (still standing) Amen.
Amanda (pulling him down. Sharply) Eat your toast.
Richard Where's Alice? You know I like breakfast with everyone present - when (feelingly) you bother to visit your poor old father.
Anthea Old - well, fairly. Poor? Certainly yes. Until (raises her cup to him) the thirty-first of December 2001.
Richard (raises his cup to her) To the thirty-first of December 2001.
(they all - Tom a little late - raise their cups)
All (solemnly) The thirty-first of December 2001.
Tom Why..?
Amanda Ssh. Eat your toast.
(Tom shakes his head and eats The kitchen hatch is flung open again.)
Mrs H (through hatch) Eggs and bacon - and other bits. (she plonks a tureen on the ledge and slams the hatch shut).
Amanda In answer to your question, dearest papa, which you asked some time ago, my slightly younger sister is probably still in the bath. She battered on the door long enough when I was in there, didn't she Tom....(corrects herself) ... ato ketchup anyone? On your bacon? (dies away)
Tom She made a devil of a noise. (Amanda heftily nudges him)
Anthea (drily) She must have done for you to hear it in the spare room, Tim.
Amanda (quickly) Tom.
Anthea Richard dear, I do wish you wouldn't fire that confounded shotgun in the house. I was just checking with Lucretia regarding arrangements for this evening and she nearly jumped out of her skin.
Amanda (stage whisper to Tom) Lucretia is her Spirit. The link between her and the other world. (Tom looks uncomfortable)
Richard Can a Spirit jump out of her skin? I didn't think she'd have one.
Anthea Quiet Dear. Don't meddle with things you don't understand.
Amanda (to Tom) That's about as far as sex education went in this family. I remember the advice well.
Anthea Amanda, please. Don't be smutty. Certainly not in front of visitors. I'm so sorry for our dreadful manners, Tim.
Richard, Amanda, Tom (in unison) Tom.
(there's a crash as the door bursts open and Alice comes in She's in her early 30's, pretty and vivacious. Everything she does is jolly and lively.)
Alice Good morning dearest family - and Tom.
Richard You're very late.
(Alice goes to the head of the table and plonks a kiss on her father's balding head. He lowers the paper and puts his hand up to feel the place)
Alice Don't worry, Pops. I haven't disturbed the hair. (she helps herself to cereal and stands at chair D) "Croxley Bitters" (she sits and eats)
Tom (absentmindedly) Amen.
Alice Why is it that whenever I come home, the bathplug's always full of hairs?
Anthea Well it certainly isn't your father.
Tom A bath plug can't be full of hairs (they all look at him) surely?
Alice Well it is.
Tom The plug-hole may be full of hairs. Not the plug.
Richard Stop splitting hairs, there's a good chap.
Anthea Now look what you've done. Your father's made a joke... before 9 a.m. There'll be no more today.
Richard Joke? Did I? Jolly good.
Anthea Never mind dear. Have some more coffee. (she pours but the jug is empty) Alice, nip out and ask Mrs H for some more coffee.
(Alice exits)
Mrs H (flings open the hatch and shouts loudly) More coffee.
Anthea (whispers) You don't think she listens in, do you?
Amanda Not half. (to Alice) How are you, little sister? You arrived looking half dead last night. Promotion to Ward Sister obviously doesn't agree with you.
Alice (friendly, smiling) Well at least I (looks at Amanda) ended up sleeping peacefully in a bed on my own...
Anthea (quickly) As I'm, sure we all did. (looking at Tom) Mr Loveridge doesn't count, Tim.
Amanda & Tom Tom.
Anthea Quite. So lovely to see you with us Alice dear. You know your father likes us all together at breakfast.
Alice I know. Talking of the all-together, I got a bit delayed in the bath. I was talking to such a nice chap.
(they all react. Richard lowers his paper)
Anthea You were doing what?
Alice He says his name is Red. Red Zachary.
Richard (with humour) Now look what you've done, Anny. It's spread to the children. They're going bonkers as well.
Anthea Let me get this straight, Alice. You were in the bath talking to a stranger - a man - called RED?
Tom (relaxed) It's a great place for a chat. Amanda and I...
Amanda (quickly) have seen people doing it on the telly. I can't think how they can - but it's only pretend of course...(laughs falsely)
Alice He was at the top of that oak tree at the bottom of the garden - where we used to have our tree house. I was sitting in the bath with the window open and there he was. Just above the sill. He says he's the advance guard and they'll all be here soon.
(they all are looking at her, amazed)
Anthea What are you talking about Alice?
Amanda She's sitting in her bath, mother, talking to a strange man up a tree.
Amanda But what was he talking about? This Red up our tree? Advance guard? The others?
Alice (blithely) I never found out. I stood up to wash and he fell out of the tree.